The Bluffer's Guide to Berlin (part 1, all things Berlin)

A lot has changed from my first whirlwind of a day here, exactly three weeks ago. I have just read back on my last post and I adore my amazement at all things Berlin, especially that people listened to my German. Here is just a tiny post on how things are different now from my first besotted impressions. 

I now have a hat. My ever-complimentary friend Blythe says it is very Breaking Bad-esque, which offends me, because I am not a man. Anyway, when I'm walking/ jogging home after night out, falafel in hand, I like to think it makes me invincible to all possible night-time predators.

The U-bahn; I was so amazed with the u-bahn! I swore I would never need a bike, or set foot on a bus, or even think about another mode of transport. I have very quickly fallen out of love with the underground. It's very cramped, and sometimes, I could walk faster than it takes me to get to some areas of Berlin. Sometimes there are dogs. Once, when Lauren came to stay last week, a cat was in a box, and it pooed in said box. The owner had to run off with the cat wrapped around his neck like a snake. In the week, trains stop at around 12am, resulting in mad dashes searching for those infamous blue 'U' signs, or long journeys home involving the tram. Nevertheless, I do love it when there are buskers on the train (it should be a full time job).

Currywurst at Mauerpark

MY GERMAN (this deserves capitals because it is so non-existent). I feel like this Guardian article here. Even in class, all conversations are initiated in English, which is very much my fault. Now that I am out of the Bavarian Forest, and surrounded by people who can understand my jokes, I seem to gravitate towards English-speaking people, even when they are actually Austrian!

On a more positive note, I am living in a bustling Bezirk*, as they say auf Deutsch, with amazing, amazing food. I ate bread in Bavaria and got fat. Here I am going to eat from all the countries in the world, and attend yoga on Thursday mornings. Also, I am going through a bit of a burger phase, so here is my current top two favourite burger offerings:

The hat

Burgermeister! A renovated public toilets lounging underneath Schlesisches Tor U-Bahn, it offers top value burgers and cheapy cheap chips. We sat on old beer bottle containers which resulted in a zig-zag imprint on my bum, but it was still worth it. Some would even say edgy.

Hasir Burger: They own 6 restaurants in Berlin, and several in the Kottbusser Tor side of Kreuzberg, but they're not all selling burgers (some are turkish food I think, but I am yet to try). However, their burger restaurant is fab, with picnic tables outside and AMAZING wedges and chips. They cook on an actual barbecue too, which is the ultimate taste of summer.

*your area, 'in my Bezirk'; your endz etc etc.

What happened in Bavaria?! Part II

     'We didn't think you would come.'

I must have done something right at one point

     On my first day at school, I was greeted by this compliment. What she was trying to say about British reliability I am not sure, but I took it as something positive; that the worst was over, now I was here and we could go on as if the doubting never happened.

     The doubting did not stop happening. About 6 weeks into term, I asked if I could set up an after-school club for English. 'My own lessons!' I thought, 'Now I can do what I came here to do!'

     Oh no. It was never going to be that simple. 

     On the week before, I designed a beautiful poster, specifying the time and date I had been given. I found some fancy pictures of the Union Jack off Google images. I printed the posters not only on white paper, but also on yellow card. Lesson plans were made, fun 'ice-breakers' researched. I was ready to go.

     The day of after-school class came, and, dressed in my most authoritative get-up (jeans and a jumper or else the Germans get confused at the output of effort into outfit selections), I strolled along to class H.13. H.13 was harder to find than H.12 and H.14. It began to seem to me that H.13 was a ploy to make me shut up about after-school English.

     Eventually, though, I found H.13. 'I'm sure I have been in this room before', I thought as I opened the door. Oh yes. Oh yes, I had. A row of sinks greeted me. And some mirrors. And some toilet cubicles. No one was there waiting for after-school English. I began to realise that I had advertised to the whole school that class was going to take place in the toilets. 

     Confronting my mentor about the situation was yet another humiliation. 'I must have got confused', she chuckled, and went back to her lunch. 

     And that was the end of after-school English class. 

6 Girls 1 Hauptstadt

There is simply too much fun to be put into words for this visit, so this post is a simplified version of 4 excellent days.

It began with a thunderstorm. The rain had seiged my boots minutes after leaving the flat, and the lightening was so flashy that I had qualms about taking the underground (my part of the underground is actually overground, high up on metal poles). Anyway, I ventured outside, without putting my umbrella up, as that was also cause for angst (metal pole, high in the sky). 

1)What we Ate (or rather, what DIDN'T we eat)

A cafe between Potsdamer Platz and Tiergarten, with massive cakes, massive sausages and a snappy waitress.

Dinner at Vapiano in Potsdamer Platz: yummy italian made in front of you

All of the cakes from the Turkish bakery on Oranienstrasse, including bread made of clouds (Kudos to Anna for this metaphor, secret English student).

2)What we Saw

Thanks to Jenny for this one

The Reichstag, where we queued to get our allocated time slot for 10 minutes. (This was amazing, as when I tried later in the week, the queue was 2 HOURS).

The Brandenburg Tor (there were lots of gates like this but then they were all destroyed, leaving this one as a symbol of Berlin. When Napoleon was victorious he rode through the gate like HEY I'VE GOT YOU NOW, and in the DDR-Time the East German government took down the little statue dude on the top, but now a new one is in its place). 

The Berlin Music Video Awards, which included a song about well, periods, while backing dancers waved red ribbons around. Hosted in giant shipping containers and serving fab cocktails all night. 

Jewish Museum: Conveniently, I had a class excursion there, so while the others ran around waving at me/ embarrassing me in front of ALL my friends, I had a dreary tour in German. The tour was so bad that our lecturer yelled at the tour guide. 

Photo credit to Anna

3)What we didn't do

Get into KitKat club: the long queue led to cheap champage, which led to injuries, which led to my forehead spending a lot of time with a bag of frozen vegetables. 

Sunbathe: I promised swimming in a pool in the river (Badeschiff); my promises were rewarded with more rain. 

4) Navigating Berlin

In the rain.

Chasing Night Buses.

The girls shared a 5 person day card, which, with so many people, was way cheaper than buying a Welcome Card each.

The best things about having visitors (apart from appearing knowledgeable about corresponding city) is feeling like you are on holiday too, and being able to chill with people you already know and love. 

The Bluffer’s Guide to Berlin (Part 2, da club)

‘So where you been out to?’

‘Oh, some museums and vintage shopping and this one great flea market, where-’

‘No, like clubs and stuff?’

This is a conversation that took place with my brother the other day. I am the uncool one raving about museums. But Berlin is infamous for its smoky bars and un-regulated opening hours, so here is my short guide on how to be savvy in da club. Based on a jumble of experiences, but mostly just this one time when my dj flatmate took me on a pity night out with his guestlist.

1) WEAR BLACK

I do not have a completely black outfit, so compromised with head-to-toe navy. The Berliners however, seem to have been watching too much MIC recently (quote Victoria from episode 1: ‘I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker colour’). I asked my  flatmate if he would ever wear anything else, and he answered with an appalled, ‘Never!’ – although he did add that he owns expensive clothes too. (I’m not sure for whose benefit that was, in my navy ensemble I had no right to be judgemental.) Anyway, Berlin club = Colours only acceptable if they are on your snazzy trainers.

2)EMBRACE THE DUNGEON

We were in a dark and smoky cellar of an old factory, bathed in red lighting. There were some corners I didn’t dare peer into, as the common catchphrase seems to be ‘anything goes!’. There are similar rooms in Berghain (the king of all Berlin nightlife).

3) NO SELFIES

Finding myself alone after my flatmate went to go embrace more ‘label’ people, I went to pull out my phone to exploit tipsy snapchatting opportunities, when I realised there was an angry sign condemning all use of cameras and phones. Anything goes in there, I told you.

4)PFAND

When you buy an expensive drink, you get a tiny plastic coin which gives you money when you return it with the glass. The girl I was with, another label friend of my flatmates, explained this very carefully and slowly to me. Then, she took my coin for herself. Cheeky.

5)SOLO CLUBBING

Apparently, the most successful way to be let into Berghain (apart from speaking German, looking a little bit gay, and wearing a scarf and no socks, as go the rumours) is to be alone. Solo clubbing is so totally a thing, my (other, not so dj-y) flatmate says, as he cranks up the 90s beats for a Saturday night out. Even when I was sat on my own in the club when flattie went to smoke, I didn’t feel awkies, and there were tons of people by themselves.

This basically means 'you think you're Harry potter haha'

Also, there are no mirrors in the toilets (‘You shouldn’t care what you look like’ - not a quote from me), and ordering prosecco was actually cheaper than my standard voddy and coke.